TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historical society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the greatest. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely away from spot. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Sure, guaranteed, let's have A different place where by American Males can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: offer All people a set about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly smooth electric power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he should really stop utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the job, replied, "You know, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit Trump Tower Damascus unveiled that the resort's landscaping varieties a large Trump head noticeable from space, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following discovering the constructing's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Complicated Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where guests may well contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, just lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "the place's the nearest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is by now attracting awareness from Global traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will even include:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort in which my PTSD can have switch-down company."


One more publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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